12 secrets to deflecting life’s slings and arrows

 What do ornery coworkers, angry children and irritable spouses have in common?

You as the target.

Well, at least it seems that way, especially when you feel like you could be part porcupine because of all the virtual arrows bristling from your back.

However, in most cases, you really are not the target.

What you just might be, unfortunately, is the handiest place for others to offload some of their prickly feelings.

Allow me to illustrate.

When my family and I ran a large inn, the guests—parents and children—would arrive on a Friday night after a long and often frazzling drive from the city, dumping literal and figurative baggage at the check-in desk.

Did they bring the tired and cranky? Check.

Did they carry along the stress from the work week? Right here.

How about the simmering feud with their spouse? Oh, yes, with the car as a pressure cooker, it has reached the boiling point.

We had a choice every time we faced these situations: to throw on the armor and join the fight to face a potentially unpleasant weekend all around, or to deflect the barbs and let them clatter harmlessly to the ground.

We chose deflection every time as opposed to joining the battle, offering a heartfelt smile, homemade chocolate chip cookies, and a breath of fresh mountain air.

Almost without fail, by breakfast the following morning, the family was in greatly improved spirits, their quivers emptied of weapons and filled instead with joy.

You, too, can learn the art of deflection. Here is where you start: 

 

Incoming!

First, you must recognize that you feel wrongfully under attack, and understand that your instinctual fight or flight response will not get you what or where you want. (Just a note here: remember that I am not talking about the separate issue of physical or emotional abuse and battering. That is a completely different and unacceptable behavior.)

 

Remember it’s not about you

In general, people strike out at the nearest—and sometimes safest—target. Typically, this happens when their expectations are not met, such as during a vacation, when their status is threatened, or because they just have a low tolerance for frustration.

 

Nonetheless, you have gone from innocent bystander to target

You have been given an opportunity to behave in a totally counter-intuitive manner: to respond calmly with kindness and empathy. To quote Colossians 4:6 (ESV): Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

 

And how do you properly season your words?

Practice. Lots of practice along with a box full of great tools. :-)

As I wrote in my free ebookPracticing Gratitude and Discovering Joy-30 Days to a Happier You! :

Think about when you learned to read, write, and do arithmetic.

You became experienced through practice.

These once intimidating tasks became routine and almost effortless for you to accomplish.

Learning to deflect is a matter of practice as well. The more you do it, the better you become at it until it becomes your natural, default response.

 

Following are twelve secrets to get you rolling down a more peaceful path.

 

1. Practice compassion and kindness. Zen Habits has a great how-to here.

2. Change your perspective. Put yourself in other people’s shoes. What and who are they up against, what private battles are they already fighting?

3. Change your environment. Offer to move the discussion to a more neutral location, or you can excuse yourself for a short while to gather your thoughts.

4. Change your body language. Purposely physically relax your body. Let go of tension in your shoulders, uncross your arms, part your lips and hang your jaw slightly. (Did you know you can’t be angry if your jaw is hanging instead of clenched?)

5. Take deep breaths. In through the nose and out through your mouth, deep breathing will help calm your mind and also help relax your body.

6. Get curious. You can’t be curious and angry at the same time, so choose curiosity. Some great questions to use are here.

7. Become an empathic listener. Developing empathy is a tremendously useful skill to help defuse situations. Author Stephen R. Covey offers tips here.

8. Develop a sense of humor. To quote the blog Anger Management Expert:  Humour is a great weapon and also a gift that can be used to help diffuse certain situations before they are allowed to escalate and people lose control of their anger. Click the link for tips.

9. Look back from the future. Take the long view, and ask how important this skirmish is in the big scheme of things. This post will walk you through the how-to of an eye-opening and awareness raising exercise.

10. Be aware of your thoughts. As the old quote attributed to Mahatma Gandhi goes:

Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

When tempers flare, your thoughts pop out of your mouth faster than kernels of corn on a hot griddle, and tend to burn everyone in reach. (Like this? Click here to tweet!) Steps to develop awareness and control are here.

11. Memorize scripture. Stay with me here, friends. Just a few short years ago I would have dismissed this idea as one for those with far more and deeper faith than I had. Having experienced the power of this first-hand, though, I am a convert. When we memorize scripture, we place the message into our hearts to draw upon in times of need. If scripture holds no meaning for you, then I would recommend finding teachings that do resonate, and memorize those to lean on.

12. Pray. For guidance, for the right words, for understanding and responding with grace, forgiveness, empathy and love. If you prefer to meditate, do that instead.

 

I truly believe the prevailing desire for most folks is to diffuse and deflect rather than return fire. Not only will you experience stronger and more satisfying relationships, but you will also be modeling tremendously powerful and positive behavior to your children. Hats off to you for working towards a more peaceful environment in your life!

 

Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.  ~Albert Schweitzer

 

Questions: How are your deflecting skills? What else would you add to this list? What is your greatest difficulty? Please share so that we can help and support each other, and thanks so much for coming by!

Sharing at NOBH, The Better Mom, Finding Heaven, PYOH

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Comments

  1. Sounds like you’ve had some great experience to share these tips, Kim. And they are all so right on! It’s so easy to slip into the wounded target mode. Thanks for this encouragement and practical tips.
    Gail recently posted…Heart TimeMy Profile

    • I have had the opportunity to use, and sometimes not use, these tips. I have found life goes more smoothly when I use them. :-)
      Thanks for your kind words, Gail, and thanks for stopping by!

  2. This is a fabulous post, Kim! So much great info, and I’m partial to looking back from the future. That gives such great perspective and helps you not get so worked up over the little things.
    Thanks for a great start to the week!
    Susan Stilwell recently posted…A Monday Pause – TrustMy Profile

    • I’m so glad you found information to take away from this, Susan. I have found looking back to be an enlightening perspective too. I always enjoy having you stop by!

  3. I enjoyed this post! Like most mamas (especially those of us who homeschool), I am a favorite target! (And sometimes I find that I’m the one flinging the arrows….) Thanks for showing us ways to break out of a victim mindset.
    Ellen, the Bluestocking Belle recently posted…Before They Push Their Boats from the Safe ShoreMy Profile

    • Ellen, your comment evoked images of battles in our home when our girls were little. I agree-I think moms are a handy target, but are also participants in this losing battle. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  4. Kim, I think there is so much wisdom packed in here. I especially love it because the armor of God has so been on my heart as I teach my class this semester. It has been part of a larger series called “emulating Christ.” Did Christ take things personally? No — He saw what was in the heart of the people speaking with Him. WE can do that, too, if we allow ourselves to use the gift of discernment.
    Jen Ferguson recently posted…Peace is not external and the Soli Deo Gloria PartyMy Profile

    • Great perspective, Jen! Seeing into the hearts of others is so helpful, and is “simply” a matter of deciding to do so. Thanks so much for adding your voice to the conversation!

  5. These are such great helpful hints. I remember hearing Ephesians 6:12, “Our struggle isn’t against flesh & blood” in a sermon not long ago. Like you said, we aren’t really the target. Such great perspective. Thanks for sharing! Blessings to you today!
    Michelle
    Michelle Eichner recently posted…A “Wise” Guest PostMy Profile

  6. such great wisdom here, Kim…practical, and I know prayer, practice and Scripture have been the biggest help..especially His Spirit guiding me…Thank you :)
    Dolly recently posted…Dream Series: How can you be like a jellyfish?My Profile

    • I like your list of prayer, practice and Scripture. The help is there for the taking if we just open our hearts and hands for it. Always a blessing when you stop by, Dolly!

  7. Oh Kim, I’m certain that any Inn you owned would be one filled with love and laughter. I’m going to remember that smile, cookie, and mountain air. :)
    adrienne recently posted…School Happens: The Homeschool Room {or not}My Profile

    • That it was, Adrienne! Between Christmas and New Year, and ski vacation week in February this place was filled to the brim with families, which meant about 40 guests per night. A highlight for everyone on NYE was to jump into the indoor pool at midnight. The kids always got a charge out of ringing in the new year in a pool while viewing the snowy countryside through the windows!

  8. So much wisdom to digest here, thank you fr sharing it! Don’t we all need to learn to let things go and not take things so very personally? I imagine it can take a lifetime of practice though…sometimes the attack seems very personal but even then, I try to remind myself of what you say here…that perhaps it is more a reflection of them and what is happening in their life than it is on me.

    Thanks again for sharing!

    • Hi Colleen and welcome! Thanks so much for your kind words. I think you are right about this taking a lifetime of practice. I know there are too many times when I feel like I’ve had a Homer Simpson moment where I slap my forehead and say “D’oh!” because I jumped into the fray instead of keeping cool and deflecting.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts and hope to see you again!

  9. Following you from Pour Your Heart Out!
    Corinna recently posted…Baby E’s Fall Uniform: Day at the ParkMy Profile

  10. Great post Kim. I don’t believe there is a person alive who hasn’t experienced this or cannot totally relate! The tips were so down to earth and practical and such a wonderful reminder to us all and to me specifically. I tend to be the one people feel safe “dumping” on – whether at home or at work! The scripture I like to think on is Proverbs 15:1 – and I especially like the Message translation: “A gentle response defuses anger,
    but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.” My other go-to in this situation is Proverbs 25:15 – “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.” I offer that last with a smile – as I figuratively have at times wanted to break a bone or two!

    • Oh, Ann, thanks for the smile and laugh out loud! I love the verses and versions you quote. :-)
      Thanks so much for your thoughtful response. I think you’re right-we have all been there.

  11. I have to remind myself often that it’s not usually about what it appears to be. When my husband is upset- it’s usually not about me- he’s just venting and I’m a safe person to vent to. Same goes for my bad moods!
    Shell recently posted…Pour Your Heart Out: A Good ReportMy Profile

    • Just love to have you stop by and share, Shell.
      So you have a vent and vent alike arrangement? I think a lot of us do. 😀

      Once I understood I wasn’t really the target when my hubbie and my kids vented—especially my kids—it made it easier to put one of the above tips into practice. Well, that, and knowing I would get my turn to vent while my hubbie listened. :-)

  12. Oh how I loved this post! I think I need to print it out. And laminate it. And post it on my refrigerator! I have often said that I must be Switzerland because everyone feels safe to run to me when they are in the midst of heavy fighting (either within or without). These points would certainly come in handy for Switzerland :) Thank you for sharing!
    Amy recently posted…Where everybody knows your nameMy Profile

    • I had to wait until I stopped laughing to respond to you, Amy. You are Switzerland. That is priceless, and I may just use that comment in a tweet! I imagine you speak for countless moms with that analogy.

      Before we were innkeepers, my parents started and ran a successful kitchen cabinetry business, and all of us kids (7) and many of our spouses were employed there. I have always marveled when my mom talks about how we all each to used to run to her office (we were in our early and mid twenties) and whine about issues. I have told her I don’t know how she kept from killing us all. She said there were days it was very difficult. :-)

  13. I couldn’t agree more. It’s just hard to choose to respond instead of react when we feel attacked. Good secrets. I think it is so cool that you ran an inn. I’ve always wanted to do that! And I noticed For King and Country on your side bar. They were at our church a few weeks ago, an unplugged sort of thing, during our worship service. Amazing!
    Laurie recently posted…A Matter of GrayMy Profile

    • That instinct to fight is so ingrained, isn’t it, Laurie? I’m glad you found these secrets helpful!
      We heard your sentiments a lot from our guests. We would joke with them that for an additional cost, they could stay and work as innkeepers, doing laundry, etc. :-)

      I wrote a five part series last year about inn keeping. You can access the final post here: http://www.toodarnhappy.com/2011/12/09/innkeeper-secrets-revealed-wrap-up/

      It contains links to previous four installments. Happy hospitality!

  14. Love this post and the practical advise! So happy to find your site! Thanks!
    kim recently posted…ResultsMy Profile

  15. You share such great wisdom, Kim! And I had no idea how difficult a Friday could be at an “inn” or other resort type place, but it totally makes sense! It’s funny the things God uses to equip and teach us. So glad that you are passing those lessons along to all of us, my friend! :)

    • I, too, am always amused by how God teaches us, Beth. I know his lesson was not lost on our daughters, who were our employees for helping with breakfast, clean-up, and chambering. They quickly developed such an immense respect for the maids in the hotels that they joked about never sleeping in the beds again and leaving their hotel room clean along with a huge tip. :-) Thanks for sharing-I always love hearing from you!

  16. Thank you for this outstanding post. I would say Amen to it all. It was filled with wisdom and great ideas. I am going to start right now looking at the links. This was one of the most powerful posts I have in the last little while.
    Years ago I was working as a nurse in an ICU. I had a co-worker who didn’t like to work with me at all because I was younger and she always wanted to be the charge nurse for the shift. She would be upset when I was assigned to do that. One day it was quiet and I decided to just start asking her questions about her life experiences and she warmed right up and it made all the difference.
    Blessings and hugs to you!

    • What a great story and lesson, LeAnn, and thanks for your sweet words! Isn’t it funny how when we ignore those arrows and reach out that very often the person’s attitude softens? It’s that initial running towards the shooter that can be so daunting! I am so glad you shared this story, and I hope that it encourages other women to put their hands out in grace and friendship as well!

  17. This is such great advice, Kim. I’m glad I stopped by:) Thank you!
    Mandy recently posted…The Love I Wish For YouMy Profile

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